Post 4uNYG9LAWfG

Tamas Ferencz Jan 16, 2018 (14:04)

It's preposterous that I should try this, but I am in that mood today. I hope my neologisms are transparent enough.

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Romeo: Aike vahtan mánen mánten alware
T’alkarin Ta ainas, i milya paime sís:
Peu, karanye randu, férime,
Pase ta raqua appa ló miquelis.
Juliet: Mána rando, úkáral málya íta
Ya mailengea astar tana síve:
An aimor samir már i randor appar
Ar palta paltanna ná randoron mique.
Romeo: Lá samir aimor péti, ar i randor, yú?
Juliet: Ná, rando, péti i mauya ten arkanden yuhta.
Romeo: Ai, tá, airenya, na karir yall’ aini yall'aimor, i peu,
Á lave ten karitas, hya astar úestelda ola.
Juliet: Lá kuivar aini, nan lavir ya hyamindor mérar.
Romeo: Ta, lan i hyámeo karda kamin, vá kuiva kuita.
San, pempello, ló lyenye, úkarenyar autar.
Juliet: Pempenyar i úkare sí samir sinen.
Romeo: Úkare lyello? A, lisse úsahtie!
Á nananta úkarenya.
Juliet: Mikulye parmanen.

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ROMEO [To JULIET] If I profane with my unworthiest hand
This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this:
My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand
To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.
JULIET Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,
Which mannerly devotion shows in this;
For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch,
And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss.
ROMEO Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?
JULIET Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer. 100
ROMEO O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do;
They pray, grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.
JULIET Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake.
ROMEO Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take.
Thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged.
JULIET Then have my lips the sin that they have took.
ROMEO Sin from thy lips? O trespass sweetly urged!
Give me my sin again.
JULIET You kiss by the book.

Björn Fromén Jan 23, 2018 (00:02)

An excellent mood, I hope you'll be in it often :-)

The commendably few neologisms provide no problems, but some of the forms are a bit opaque to me:

Is *aike a variant of aique/aiqui (PE 22: 139 note 45)?

I suppose alware is the plural of alwara 'useless'; but if so, why the plural?

Is karanye short for karanyaine 'reddened'?

I don't understand yall'aini ('like a female angelic spirit'???)

There seems to be no verb *kuiva- attested, but if it exists, isn't the meaning '(a)waken' more probable than 'move'?

I think it's unlikely that the noun alkarin could have survived in late-source Quenya, where alcarin is an adjective ('glorious, brilliant'). Why not rather yána or ainas for 'shrine'?

Tamas Ferencz Jan 23, 2018 (09:29)

+Björn Fromén thank you for taking the time to read through my translation and catching my mistakes! :) I really appreciate it.

Is *aike a variant of aique/aiqui (PE 22: 139 note 45)? Yes, it's my variant for aiqe; since I tend to use ke/ké for "if", I try to be consistent.

I suppose alware is the plural of alwara 'useless'; but if so, why the plural? Because I meant to put mánten before it; I need alware for the rhyme.

Is karanye short for karanyaine 'reddened'? Yes, I assumed a shortened adjectival form *karanya 'blushed'.

I don't understand yall'aini ('like a female angelic spirit'???) Meant to write yall'aimor 'like saints'.

There seems to be no verb *kuiva- attested, but if it exists, isn't the meaning '(a)waken' more probable than 'move'? Should be kuita- and the intended meaning was "stir".

I think it's unlikely that the noun alkarin could have survived in late-source Quenya, where alcarin is an adjective ('glorious, brilliant'). Why not rather yána or ainas for 'shrine'? I don't know why I chose that word, I probably just liked its shape; ainas can work, too.

Thank you again!