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Jenna Carpenter, Fiona Jallings, Caleb Smith, Poetry, translations

Fiona Jallings Dec 18, 2012 (00:14)

I've been working on a translation for a while now, (it's not done, but I figured that I could show a few verses now.

I Chiril os Salod[1] – The Lady of Shalott by Lord Alfred Tennyson

Part 1

Po ath-rant dorthar breniel
rídhien[2] i-thair theriel,
Hammar dawar, govenir ell[3];
A thrî rîdh i ven hiriel
                Am marad Camelod;
Adh in gwaith dadwen a dandol,
Tired had i-ningloer  lodol
Nu-din os dol,
                I dol Salod.
Yrn girir, tethair nimmidar,
Hwist dithin hwiniar a thuiar
Trî i ‘ol[4] i ui-hiriar
min hirion a thol na char
                Rimmad an Gamelod.
Canad raim a beraid vithrin
Orthirir i had-i-phirin,
Adh i dol dhínen baugla dhîn
                I chiril os Salod.
Anin hîr, dathar-‘wathrannen,
I lynt lyng pennar aphannen
Ad lebyr; adh ú-huilonen
Lunt lodant nan ram ídhannen
                Lodad dad an Gamelod
Dam man idír i huiloneth[5]?
Egor den idír a henneth?
Egor the hinnen min ndorath,
                I chiril os Salod?
Crithoer, crithad ne minuial,
Mi faing iaw apharch orchal
Lastar ‘laer veren lend iallol
Od i hirion hwiniol,
                Dad ani meraid Camelod:
Nuin galad Ithil, i grithor
brastol ‘othair mi thynd  na-nadhor,
Lastol pêd “Elleth e-ninglor,
                I chiril os Salod.”


[1] Some of you may be curious why I wrote “Salod” for “Shalott” and “Camelod” for “Camelot” and “Lanselod” for “Lancelot” in the translation. I was simply translating the words into Sindarin phonology. Sindarin doesn’t have the “SH” sound, and P’s, T’s, and C’s directly following a vowel at the end or within a word must become B’s, D’s, or G’s.
[2] “Great Fields” (rídhien) from “fields-vast/great/wide” (rîdh+iend).
[3] “Sky” (ell) from Tolkien’s earlier version of Doriathrin (gell) under the root ƷEL.
[4] “Wave” (gol) from Telerin (vola).
[5] “Greeter” (suiloneth) (suil+oneth) modeled after “bread-giver” (bassoneth).

What do you think of it so far?

Caleb Smith Dec 18, 2012 (03:27)

Thank you so much! This is one of my top 5 favorite poems of all time! can't wait to see the rest.

Jenna Carpenter Dec 18, 2012 (17:15)

Nice :-) I always like it when I can read most of a translation without having to stop and say 'eh?' Also rather impressed with the maintaining of the rhyming structure/metre, its not something I've ever even attempted.

Fiona Jallings Dec 19, 2012 (02:58)

It's easy to see why people don't try that very often; it's really hard!

Fiona Jallings Dec 25, 2012 (00:44)

It'll take at least a year before you can start doing that. It's really hard. This translation has taken me years to do. I started it in spring of 2010.

Fiona Jallings Dec 26, 2012 (22:27)

I got pretty close to getting the same rhyming scheme and meter. The main part of the verses are all 8 syllables long, but the little lines about "the lady of Shalott" or "Walking down to Camelot" I left those without forcing it conform because the original English didn't have it conforming either. Sometimes I found it simply impossible to replicate the rhyming (AAAAB,CCCD) and I'd go for (AABBC,DEDF) instead. But other than that, it's really close.